First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey