A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Kermit goes Blue.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.