[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*me flirting
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.