[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Where’s my employee discount too?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…