Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

Yes my dude

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Don’t touch that.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

This will teach them to underestimate me

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!