First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
go easy on yourself <3
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.