Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!