[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.