[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.