First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.