[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*