[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.