[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Don’t forget to tip your server
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.