[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*puts words between two asterisks*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
*looks at you in batman voice*
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.