Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

This a good idea

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”