[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.