Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

🤣🤣

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.