Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

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