Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here