Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism