Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”