[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
describing stardew valley
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck