[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
#CatsOnTwitter
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.