Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

The Sun

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce