Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

War & Peace

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up