*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
No one can handle that
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.