Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

Social distancing in Australia:

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.