[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
adam and eve had first world problems
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
bears
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
adding to the discourse
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god