Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.