Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

I went from rags to one rag.

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)