Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

The options really are this bad

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light