Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

ㅤ

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.