Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading