[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
What
(2022)
