Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.