Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

I told my vodka about you.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.