Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter