[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao