Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

No.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?