Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

always be there

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

This has made my week.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.