[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My humor is broken
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Thinking about a snail with a limp
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous