[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.