Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

live long and prosper!

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.