[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Weighing up my bread heating options
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
decorating my apartment
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously