[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.