The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
You Might Also Like
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.