[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training

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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.


My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.


Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”


You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’


Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?


[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]


I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy


Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.


Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too


They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time