@Dis0beyJay

[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training

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@sofarrsogud

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@SoVeryBritish

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

@mstern68

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

@VeganZebra

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

@LaLa_Lyds

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

@bigmacher

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

@TheDairylandDon

They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time