Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

“FRAAANCE!”

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

They got Raph!

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”