I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The Others (2001)
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”