First date.

Him: do you like kids?

Me: no, I have 3.


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What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”


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ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here


Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.


Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas


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