@gaynorlsimpson

First date.

Him: do you like kids?

Me: no, I have 3.

Him:

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@KarlreMarks

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

@TheAlexNevil

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

@aligarchy

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@_Mo_lee_

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

@karanbirtinna

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

@lecalabara

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