Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody’s gonna understand

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.