[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Me irl
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.