[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
you’re damn right i have
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Our lord and savoury.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself