Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

That 👊

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

Lmao 😁

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.