Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Monday

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.