Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

smh

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.