[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word