[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy