Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.