Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate