Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

You were the one.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

This is painfully accurate 😅

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*