[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
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Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap