Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

I ate everything, including the H.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom