[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.