Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Meeeee too!

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

By Kate Hatos

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.