Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.