Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.