Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.