First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
PLOT TWIST:
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol