First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.