First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
weddings should have a worst man
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.