First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!