Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

🐕🍷

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

termite twitter scares me

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.