First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
You Might Also Like
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*