First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.