First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Noah
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk