First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
You Might Also Like
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.